The Great Escape-or how I locked myself inside my bathroom and managed to annoy the whole neighborhood with my wobbly wails.

So this has to be the most epic and embarrassing moment I've yet to have in K-town and what better use of my free hour than to blog about it. 

Yesterday: 9:00pm. 

"Mom," I said. "I'll call you back." It was shower time. I went into my small Korean bath, and shut the door, and from here on out everything went wrong. 

10:00 pm

I did my thing and had turned the bathroom into a veritable sauna by the time I finished. I put my hand on the handle and turned. Nothing happened. Now my door has been sticking as of late and so I thought that it needed some jarring. I turned and pushed, and the door stayed in it's place. I narrowed my eyes and tried once more. Replay of the the previous scene. 

I put my hands on my hips and considered my options. I could start yelling, and wake up everyone in the vicinity (there are no English speakers in my apart.), or I could try to escape. 

At first the challenge seemed exciting. I thought "no problem, I got this." I scanned my bathroom for something that would be the key to freedom. I found pliers. YES now we were talking. 

I attempted to unscrew the handle and when this failed I felt a little frustrated but sure I could get out. For the next 40 minutes I pulled, twisted, and wiggled the handle in every way I thought possible. When all my attempts ended with me sweating and angry. I opened my small window, to breathe. Like I said it was a SAUNA.  maybe if the steam leaves the door will shrink and open...

What a laugh that was. After waiting a while I sprayed the handle with some cosmetic grease, and managed with exhausting groans to get one screw out of the handle. I turned the handle once more and it seemed to be   finally doing it's job. Or so I thought.....until the handle found itself in my hand and unattached to the door.  

At this moment my panic kicked in. I was alone. in my apart. in ASIA. I didn't have a phone. I looked at the window trying to gauge weather I could squeeze through the porthole opening...That was NOT happening.

Images of newspaper clippings and websites with the headline "foreigner dies after days trapped in bathroom" filled my thoughts. I also thought....When I don't show up to school my co teacher will kill me.

So in anger and an attempt to draw attention I slammed my fist against the door. I hit it, and and hit it again. I have a bruised palm to prove my rage. I saw the door as my enemy, my foe, worthy of a death. I rattled and created such a commotion that the woman below me stepped outside and looked up.

"Help me!" I cried in mangled Korean. 

"WHAT?" the woman responded, which sounded incredibly rude in Korean. "MWO?????!"

"TWA-juesayo!" I yelled (help).

"MWO?!!!" was the response....really did I need the attitude?

"TWWWWWWWWA-juesayo!" 

"What do you want Woman?!" was the response in korean. haha. really? REALLY?

The yelling woke up the neighbors across the way who also yelled "MWO?!!!"

"I can't open it! My door....no open...broken." was my cry.

After repeating the request for help and asking them to call 119, in korean that is 911. The neighbors finally understood. 

And I heard moving next door. 

"Password?" A Korean man asked through a small window nearby. I told him twice and heard him successfully enter my apartment. 

He messed with the handle for awhile and left a few moments later. The next 45 minutes involved 3 korean men, and the landlady's attempts to free the frightened foreigner. Broken English was used as an attempt to get me to help from my side, "stick, push, no..pushy...pull....stick." You are probably just as clueless as I was.

Finally, I heard a pounding of a sledge hammer. YES A SLEDGE HAMMER.....The inside of the door quaked and I backed myself into a corner. The lock had to be KNOCKED through the door, resulting in a large hole.

"Come out" they called and I slowly opened the door. 

The scene was the following...3 men, two under 30 and an older gentleman, starring at me in my towel that is far to short to cover me in any short of decency. I mean in Korea they cover shoulders! and here is my foreigner self, chubby, white and almost naked coming out of my shower. 

I stood in the door for a moment and the old man looked at me and said in Korean.

"Come out little fool."  really? was that necessary!?

I gulped and came out. 

I thought they are going to leave and I can get dressed. HA NOPE. 

Another 10 minutes went by where the men discussed the problem, while I awkwardly stood in my towel. The hallway door was also OPEN.

At one point a phone was handed to me, and my Co-teacher on the other end. She was laughing.

AND THE MEN WERE STILL THERE. I was still in my towel.

I talked to her and hung up. but through some confusion a second phone call was made.  

another 5 minutes on the phone in my TOWEL. 

Finally the men exited and I was allowed to put on clothes. 

The moral of the story: 1. never shut the bathroom door. 

2. Bring a phone with you when you pee. 

Dear God, I'm thankful for the towel. 

Don't put that Spoon down....

An Eating experience in Hong Kong. (aka hongkongity.)


Let's go eat. How about this restaurant? Ooo. look it's close to our hostel.
It's hotter than the surface of the sun outside. Hurry hurry. Oh air conditioned restaurant. I love you.
yes. I would get down on one knee and propose, if you'd have me.
Wow. fancy fancy. Glad I put on my new dress. Glad I can show my shoulders. Glad people don't think my shoulders are scandal worthy. happy happy.
Sit down. Ooo. So many waiters. You are fast little waiters aren't you? You are observant waiters. Efficient good waiters. run along on your merry way. me like.

Ooo water, yay. Ooo tea, Ooo English menu. Hurray. Yes, dumplings sound delicious. Yes,yes, yes, noodles, "noodleeeeeees." Hahaha. Kungfu Panda joke. Hahaha. Panda, hong kong. Hahaha. I'm a child.

Ooo more tea...yes...I guess I needed some more. You linger waiter...and smile.err...try a compliment, maybe they'll leave. "Hi....Thanks"
Not quiet a compliment but close. You seem appeased. Maybe that is the cue.
Thank you for stepping back. But you didn't step back very far. I guess you are cute...in a sweater vest way.

New waiter, why hello? Checking the receipt are you? Good. You can see what I ordered. very efficient. I hope you get a gold star on your name tag. Do you like stickers? My students like stickers.

Ooo. food.  Checking again are we? I think it's ok. Why are you a different waiter? Why do you hover? Yes I can use chopsticks. It's ok. thanks.

Thanks for exploding dumpling. My place mat is very colorful now. Look up, very slowly, play it cool. Fantastic, all 4 of our waiters witnessed that. Awesome. You can call on me to fulfill your western stereotypes. Yep. after a year and a half in K-town I can't manage chopsticks.

Tea again. Not sure I need it this time. You look familiar waiter...hmmm... even though you are new. ponder...ponder... Oh...you're expression is changed. please stop smiling and leaning. please take your tea pot and go back to lurk in your corner. I'm scared.

Noodles. they are here. Oh check that receipt one more time. Linger a little longer. good. I'm glad you're so diligent but please put the smile away. It's frightening.

No I'm not done with my soup. Yes, I realize I put my spoon down but that was to breathe. Yes, I need to breathe. I like breathing. air in, air out. That's how I do that.

Creepy woman, stop lurking behind Elaine. You're lurking reminds me of something...ponder again...We aren't finished eating. There is nothing to clean up.

Ok. I'm done. Hello creepy waiter. Good job, better take that spoon away as fast as possible. Can't bear to have it sitting on the table for a moment. Why do I recognize you?

Oh...4 waiters. standing behind Elaine. do you want us to leave? Why do you smile and stare? If you are trying to make me feel awkward you have accomplished your mission.

Creepy waitress. stop. it. Oh...you're smile is bigger now but it doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy....

Ok we are leaving. bye-bye.



Our waitress's doppelganger.

A taste of the horrible.

A typical day in my class that occurs in the designated time period "after escuela." That's spanish and I'm so burnt out that I can't even think to correct myself.

Bell rings.  Get up slowly. "God help me."
Grab role book.
Walk up the 5 flights. Huff huff. Why are their so many stairs?
"Hi teacher! HIIIIIIIII TEACHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHH! "
Smiling students, oh why aren't you in my class? Look at that cute student. Smile Faith, do it.
Smile.
"Hi teacherah." Why are you so frightened student? Why do you flee?
Enter classroom. So noisy. What did the last teacher feed you? Mountain Dew Frappe's with chocolate hearts and a side of 24 hour energy?
Put role book down, try to look serious. Why are you climbing on that other student? Why, you student who is so kind in all my other classes stare at me so disdainfully? I didn't assign you that homework, I don't make you go to hogwan. Stop burning a hole in my face. Did someone take away your magical Frappe?
"Ok" Quiet students. For the love of all that is holy sit down. Stop tickling her. Stop stealing pencils. Stop drawing poop. really poop? Stop asking me what the english word is for poop. I don't want to tell you.

Role call. Yes, I am saying numbers. Yes, you're name equals a number. Yes, an English number. Yes, you are number 12. Raise your hand. Raise your hand means put your arms up. Demonstation needed. ok. there you go.
Finish. only 40 more minutes.

Assigned seats. why? because you were jumping on desks. Why? I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
"Let's start, Today we are going to learn about Spring"
Blank stares. Why? Why the blank stares?
Vocabulary. Spring, bee, flower, ......Stop kicking her! No. I won't tell you the word.
death glare. Noisy students. quiet. good. I will take away points. do you want to sit in assigned seats forever? Guess so.
Only 30 more minutes.

Worksheet. Finnally. Walk around. look at students.
"TEACHAH TIREEEED." I know student.
"TEEEACHAH What is BEEEEE?" hand motions. "ahh teachah. I know I know."
"TEACHah, bathroom." No you can't go. Why? because you won't come back.
"teachah yellow water." eww. stop. you can go. I'll time you.
"teachah..." Giggle giggle. "teachah." Giggle giggle. No I WON'T TELL YOU THE WORD.
Only 10 more minutes.

Ok. finish? ok. No sleeping. Put your head up. Why are you raising your hands? "puuuuttt your hands up."
I know it's a song. yes. I know. 2pm yes. Yes. Handsome. No, not all handsome. NO, I WON'T TELL YOU THE WORD! STOP ASKING! No, I don't like Justin Bieber. No, I don't have a boyfriend.

Ok. Short game. Short game. 2 teams. Yes you are on that team. Ok rules. Draw, guess. easy.
Animal: Zebra. ZEBRA. Ok. what is that? Why did you draw Poop? for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! ring bell. ring.
Ring.
"BYEEEEEEEEEEE TEACHAH."
Bye. Thank you Jesus.

Number NINE

This story is important to express for Oh SO Many Reasons. The main being that I have a few spare moments to reminisce and laugh over the tragic events within. I'm entitling this work(because the thought alone is work) number NINE. Read on, oh intrigued reader. (I've changed names to protect the innocent...not entirely sure if that's even applicable.)

So It started last summer when I went home to my brother's wedding. I sat on a plane for over 14 hours and made no conversation to the attractive Korean beside me. When I finally decided that 7 hours was long enough to break the ice, he had fallen asleep. I stared angrily at his sleeping face for the next 7.

Long story short....I decided that out of the population of Korea, that I could find the one sleeping Korean on Facebook. Yes....And hereby I stumbled on a profile, added a friend, and met a completely RANDOM and strange Korean that I  had coffee with.

Whew.
Let's call him: Mr. Fashion. I want so much to share his real name but I'm afraid he may read and recognize the story...
Mr. Fashion and I talked for a while over Facebook. Such is life and a dangerous one at that. He suggested meeting, but only with the company of his friend because he is a "shy boy." Lollers.
So I naturally took Sarah and we sat in Angel-in-us across from these two gentlemen (why do I use such grand words? There is no need.) Fashion introduced his friend as THE NUMBER NINE. can I write that again? Can you feel the incredulity spilling from my fingertips onto the computer and into the website? THE NUMBER NINE. Yes. I had so many thoughts upon hearing this. I asked "Sarah why is He a number?"
Why has he chosen a numeric value over an English name like Stephen? What DOES it mean? If he has a brother is his name EIGHT? Does he marry a woman named TEN and added together have NINETEEN children? Then what are their names? But alas....there is not an answer. least not one that I take seriously...and since this is my blog...

Mr. Fashion is appropriately named. Just guess his career choice. Also you should know...Pictures truth do not equal. During the course of the ridiculous encounter NUMBER NINE stared out the window and mumbled nonsensical answers to our questions. Fashion asked us questions ranging from clubbing to america . Sarah being the kind hearted person   supplied questions to fill in the conversations inevitable holes. One of the questions asked involved illegality. I will not re-post the question, for fear of government and school monitoring. (sarah's fears have infiltrated my brain.) So let me phrase it like this:

"Do you eat wood?"
Sarah and me staring blankly. "Uh no."
Sarah with brows raised, "Have you?"
"Of course!"

I was trying to keep my composure the entire evening. I decide to ask Numero Nueve a direct question.
"what are you thinking?" I say conversationally.
I didn't hear his answer, but Sarah choked on her Frappee (hazardus these Korean men) at his response.
"You're so beautiful." was his reply. (I'm not sure if I believe or want to believe Hanka's hearing abilities.)

Then at the height of conversation a group of Koreans were laughing loudly next to us. 9 has remained silent for most of the evening aside from murmuring words like "special....ok....good....thanks...and you" as if they were magical incantations. Fashion said, 'they are are noisy.'
"yeah....noisy" Sarah and I responded. My responses had started to become like rainman. Mechanical and mumbled...maybe I had caught it from NiNe.
That was when Nine cracked. There are a couple of things in this world that this numerical value can't handle...1 being noisy people.
"SHUT UP B*tch!" Nine yelled. Can you imagine the incredible hulk, slamming his hand on the table? Well it wasn't that. It was more like Paddington Bear being angry.
Anyway the table stopped but since they were Korean and those where English words, they went back to their loud antics.

We left but the two men asked to meet again! I believe the question was "When you're free...lets go club? ok?"
 No. ok.

Sarah on the walk back home , "What just happened?"
"I have no idea." And it's the truth.

NOTE: ( I put in an astrid because I believe that my family may read this and become offended. Maybe I should have written (shut up female canine!)

Note # 2: Every once in a while, Fashion updates his life. With albums entitled "Simply (Actual name)" Or "me and my apartment"....in which there is no apartment and only him...

That's not the Recycling man...

"Faith."
"What?" I answer. It is 11:30 pm. Sarah is on the other end of my small Korean cellphone. 


"I have a recycling man."


This is obvious. Koreans as previously stated like to "recycle" ie make trash piles because no one thinks a bin would reduce garbage....In each apartment building their is an annoying regulation to sort out garbage into the appointed waste recepticials. So when producing garbage, the foreigner thinks...when is it best to go downstairs? When will I not be scolded in a foreign tongue for the mis-sorted egg container? And if I wait until dark has fallen will the cockroaches (baceeebowlee') eat my face off when I open the dreaded food waste container that is of course too small for the entire apart to use? 
So I understand instantly.


"Yes, I imagine you have a recycling man." (I've seen mine once or twice, when I do I cover my face, pretend I'm a ninja, and slip away. He is a sour looking little man)


"Faith." Sarah pauses for a beat. "He is outside my apartment door."


"Ok, what is he doing?" I ask staring at my four walls. (my apartment is small so it is easy to do.)


"He is ringing my buzzer. I can see him on my video monitor...He's probably mad because I sorted wrong." Sarah rambles.
"Sarah. No."
"No what?"
"That's not your recycling man."
"What do you mean?" Sarah asks.
"I mean he's drunk and ringing you. It's late."
"Mate, why did you tell me that?" Sarah sighs.  "You mean some drunk ajushui is outside my door?"
"Yes." I laugh. I'm trying hard not to. 
"How Dare he." 


Indeed. The man eventually went away, but the situation left it's mark on Sarah. A week later, Sarah and I are walking to dinner.
"Mate I need to find a bin." She says. Ok I start looking, and finding a trash can in K-town can prove complicated. 
"Can you wait until after dinner?"
"No..."
"Why?" 
"I have a frozen bag of food garbage in my backpack. I need to dump it."
I look at Sarah and she explains. "So I've been afraid of my recycling man. So I now dump my trash in subway bathrooms." 
I note the multiple use of the bathroom. "Well," Sarah explains. "They have cameras everywhere.  So I get off at different stops and dump my garbage." 
I picture Sarah ducking in and out of restrooms and getting on and off the train. I laugh loudly. "Is that why you were late today?"
"Yes, mate it is." 

Green tea Frappes and despicable conversations.

Mountain hands. A term most of you probably don't run across normally. In my past year in K-town, this phrase has become synonymous with a green tea Frappe and a conversation that ends and begins with laughter.    I'm going to start sharing a stories " because I have neglected to fully tell you what I have been doing with myself. This last year it was my privilege to spend way to much money in coffee shops and swap daily events with one Sarah Hanka. 

Story # 1:

Mountainy mountainy hands. 

Early last year, Sarah and myself entered 1. Angel-in-us coffee (which Koreans pronounce 'anngell-in-us") to order a green tea frappe. I ordered my frappe from a man who done a mountain shape with his hands to convey "whipped cream" He was probably about twelve years old with orange hair and glasses. Every interaction preceding involved  a debate of whether he was the original motion-er or not.

On the second visit I decided to "be friendly," to which a must wiser Sarah advised against. "Mountain hands" was very pleased to see us and performed normal tomfoolarie, bouncing up and down and giggling with every English word spoken.

"Hello"-me

Giggle, giggle "Hello"

I ordered and man bounced about to his business. At some time during the night after being obnoxious with laughter Sarah and myself went to leave. In korea, there are "strict rules" about recycling. I put that in quotes because no one seems to take them seriously enough to place bins in convenient places or at all, So trash piles form. So I went to carry out my expat duty and sorted my garbage.  

During my haste to leave, I hit Mountain hands very hard. He is a small compact little man and nearly toppled backwards. I suppose he had been bobbing around behind me, waiting to help.(bobbed? How dare I compare him to a fishing line) So I did what any other Westerner might. (is that racist?)

I grabbed him to protect his little body from a fall. And he turned 5 shades of red, removed himself from my arms. He backed up as far as space would allow. Then bowed as deeply as possible. I do not know what to do with this. I did not know. 

And Sarah said, "Faith. what did you do? He done a bow."

Look out Pregnant lady

I have forgotten to post any pictures as of late. I apologize. I apologize. But what are you, the reader seriously going to do? Ha. you have so little power over me.


I want to share a story and a picture. This picture has already circulated on facebook, but the story has not. while in Nampo recently and taking part in Shana-gins, I found myself mesmerized by a young Korean man (no not that young). He flipped his hair s he passed by me, and I thought...hmm...he's adorable. .So I talked to him at the cash register and persuaded him to take a picture with me and the group of roughens I run with. After which I thought, I should thank him another time. He was obviously nervous, embarrassed and a deep shade of red that almost matched his hair by the time I approached him for the final time. I said Thank you and turned to run smack into a pregnant Korean woman with a stroller. I thought to right her, but this did not stop her from starring at me as if I was large troll. Thankash. I stumbled out of the shop after a mumbled apology.

yeah he looks like he's 12 ...