My last "Korean" post involved humor(or what I deem to be acceptable as) and "lessons" but it wasn't really what I wanted to say upon leaving Korea. It just seemed the most comfortable, and well frankly the safest way to avoid a crap storm of opinions.
I have this tape that plays in my head, I call it "the maybe" tape. "Maybe people will be offended, maybe people will see the real me, maybe I'll reveal too much." so maybe I should just censor myself until my words are no longer a reflection of my opinions but skelelotian thought(yeah I made that word up). Vague and apathetic. My reaction: GROSS.
In these last three months I have tried with failing ability to understand what my time in Korea meant. I find myself starting sentences "In korea..." and watch people's eyes glaze over. And slowly my thoughts are changing and my stories are shifting stateside(to the relief of those around me).
But/however/even though/yet I am COMPELLED to try and sum it up. Ok. Korea in a word. "HARD" ok some more words: "BLOODY HARD." Hard does not always EQUAL bad. Though in Korea's case....just kidding....but seriously.
My first year in Korea was stressful but filled with laughter and fun. I had an awesome best friend to giggle with, I had plans, students I loved and even though I was stressed I could at the end of the day laugh it off.
My second year in Korea was unlike the first. I STRUGGLED. I spent the first 3 months sinking down into my own rabbit hole. I buried myself in it. I pretended to be okay. I pulled a mask over my face and tried to be "me," but truthfully I didn't know who that was. If you didn't know this, don't be offended. I'm a great pretender. But let me tell you pretending happy is worse then feeling sad because admitting struggle takes away "aloneness." I smiled, I laughed, and acted what would be seen as normal...I found something to love and obsess over because it removed me from my own situation. Inside, I felt like I was in a tunnel without a flashlight.
I don't say this to manipulate sympathy. HEAVEN FORBID, but because I've realized something. Living in this small community of foreigners something happens(this happens in colleges, in youth groups, on missions trips, you are not immune). We become concerned with "surviving" and figuring out how to get the bus to Kwangjoo, that selfishness is the norm. We snap at others, have pointless arguments, and grip onto the things we believed that will keep us in control. We forget that the person next to us might be in the same dark tunnel. We forget to pray. We forget to serve. We forget to love. WE FORGET TO LOVE. How dare we? How dare I?
Maybe you don't like my use of the pronoun "we." Tough rocks.
Maybe you're in this place now. Maybe you right now are faking happy, or you're so concerned with your self preservation that other's thoughts and feelings become natural causalities. I implore you. Whether you are in Korea or in your own living room watching TV. Remove your head from the dirt. Look around. Tare down what keeps you from loving others. Seek God so that any callousness may soften.
Throughout all of this I learned: GOD IS FAITHFUL. He was faithful to a girl who didn't always act in kindness, who didn't always love him like she should. He gave her gift after gift, and handed her a flashlight for that tunnel.
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